I start crying, yell for Bobby (he's still asleep) and sit down while I try to get a grip on what is happening. All the worst scenarios keep flashing through my brain and I can't believe this is happening to me....again.
What most of you don't know if that I had a miscarriage in February...a few weeks before our wedding. It was one of the most heartbreaking, confusing, scary and frustrating times in my life. I really have no idea how I managed to make it through. I guess what they say is true. You figure out who your real friends and family are during hard times. Luckily I have an amazing husband who was nothing but supportive and loving the entire time, and a really kind mother who held my hand every step of the way. I'm lucky to have them both and wouldn't have been able to deal with any of it if it weren't for them.
So now, being 11 weeks along and seeing blood after absolutely no spotting the entire rest of my pregnancy, the first thing I say to myself is "Not again!" I was absolutely crushed and so angry at myself for not waiting until my 1st trimester was over to tell everyone. I felt stupid and alone. I felt terrified and embarassed. I felt scared and pissed. I felt everything at once and there was nothing I could do about any of it.
Bobby called the hospital and we decided to go in to get checked out. So I get myself all wrapped up in some comfy clothes and head to the ER. By this point, I've already convinced myself that the worst is already happening, and I'm just in tears and can hardly contain myself.
We get checked into a room, wait for about an hour to see the doctor and I get a pelvic exam. The first thing he notices is that I'm not dialted. Which is a good sign. He says that I'm not bleeding anymore, but they still want to draw blood and get an ultrasound before they let us go. Another 2 hours of waiting before I get wheeled (bed, gown & all) over to the Labor & Delivery department. They give me an ultrasound, which was excruciatingly long, and luckily, I was able to convince the technician to tell me whether or not the baby still had a heartbeat. Techs aren't supposed to read the test results, but I think she could see the worry already creased into my brow and decided to do me the kidness of not making me wait.
Baby's heart is still going strong. 168 beats per minute to be exact.
After 5 hours, and an unmeasurable amount of stress, they told me everything was fine & that I could go home. Half a relief, and half a frustrating, inconclusive waste of time. I was able to make it to my girlfriend's bridal shower, just as they were opening the presents & saying goodbye. I hope she knows that if I could have controlled this whatsoever, I would have made it happen on any other day.
So now, all I can do is sit, wait & hope that everything will be OK. I think it might have just been a sign that I need to take it easy. I'm used to doing everything for everyone & being everywhere & acting like superwoman. I need to remember that I'm only human, and whatever "urgent" task I need to take care of is just small beans compared to what my body is trying to do: Create a life. I need to sit down, put my feet up and take all the help I can get. And that is exactly what I intend to do. Sorry everyone, I have a date for the next 6 months or so with the couch and I'm not getting up for ANYONE! (except to pee & eat)
Today's playlist:
Under Control - The Strokes
Pa Pa Power - Dead Man's Bones
In My Life - The Beatles
No comments:
Post a Comment