Growing Up

Looking through pictures on my phone makes me realize how much my little guy has grown. It's so amazing that only 12 (almost) short weeks ago, we were bringing him home from the hospital in his tiny little newborn sized pajamas with little motorcycles all over them. And now, he's holding his head up, "talking", wearing 6 month size clothes, and moving up to size 2 diapers. I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but where the heck did the time go??? Weren't you only this big like... yesterday?

And now you're being a cute little MAN like this...

And yeah, motherhood has it's challenges, but I seriously wouldn't change anything for the world. My son is the center of my universe and every time I see his sleeping face, I feel my heart grow.

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

2 Month Appointment

Last week was Gunner's 2 month doctor's appointment, and I can't believe how fast time has flown by! Cliche to say, I know, but it is the truth. I was really excited to see how much he had grown since his 2 week appointment. He officially weighed 11 pounds, 14 oz! HOLY BIG CHILD.

The part I was dreading the most, was his vaccinations. He was due for 3 shots and an oral vaccine, and I wanted nothing to do with it. Of course, Bobby was working, so I had to brave the 8:15 AM appointment alone, and see him in pain alone. Sad day indeed.

This is Gunner at around 7:30 AM that morning, feeling great, not knowing what was in store for him.

To this sad little face after he got stuck. WAH.

My poor little buddy slept for 6 straight hours after the appointment which he never does, and I felt so bad for him.

On the bright side, after he woke up, he felt completely fine, because he gave me the BIGGEST smile he has ever given me!

The doctors must be doin' something right :]

Back to Work/ Alone

Now that Bobby is back to work, I am having a hard time adjusting to being alone all night, and most of the day. I forgot how brutal his schedule is, and how much work it is for me, when he goes to work. Extra laundry, packing lunches, extra groceries, extra gas money, the list goes on and on.

I appreciate that he made the smart decision for our family to go back early, but it really shook me up to have to deal with Gunner by myself so suddenly. In my mind, I still had a good 4 weeks left to prepare for life alone with a newborn. It was a shock to say the least.

Luckily my mom was able to come over almost every night that first week and help me adjust to being alone again. After an entire month of sleeping next to my husband every night, having breakfast together every morning, and having conversations that didn't include "I'm so tired" or "I don't want to go back to work", I got a taste of what life must be like for people with normal 9-5 jobs.

I know it must sound a little bit conceited, but the fact that I can run a household, take care of my kid, take care of myself and manage to keep my sanity is kind of amazing to me. When Bobby works the night shift, I see him for a total of about 3 hours per day, and it is usually spent cooking for him, and trying to get him to wake up enough to have a conversation. Then it's off to work again, and I'm alone for the night. He's gone from 4 PM - 6 AM the following day, and that will never get easier. I just miss him so much.

On the flipside, Goonie Butt and I get tons of quality time together. We get to snuggle all day, and that's just fine with me!

2 month birthday/ No Coachella

Before I got pregnant, I bought tickets for the Coachella music festival, and had been planning on going even after I had Gunner. My one condition was that Bobby still had to be off of work, otherwise I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him. Thanks to the extreme intelligence (sarcasm, can you tell?) of the state disability office, Bobby had to go back to work early, and I sold my ticket, which made me so sad. I had been looking forward to doing this one nice thing for myself for a long time. Anyone who knows me, knows that I NEVER do anything nice for myself. I'm extremely frugal, and a little bit overly responsible sometimes, so this was a huge deal for me.

On the other hand, I was dreading having to leave my little man, and was secretly hoping that Bobby would decide to come with me, or that something would happen that would force me to stay home. Low and behold, the universe decided I should be home with my baby instead, which was probably the smart thing to do anyway.

So, I settled for watching the live stream on youtube of a few of my favorite bands and drinking a few beers to make up for it. A few days later, Gunner turned 2 months old, and I can honestly say that being around him and seeing his handsome little face, even for 5 minutes, is so much more satisfying than any damn festival in the desert could ever be. I love my son, and I think this decision/ experience is teaching me the most important lesson of parenthood: you can't always get what you want. 

Anniversary

On March 17th, Bobby and I celebrated our 5 year dating anniversary, and 2 days later on the 19th, we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. In the past, we've always made a huge deal of our anniversaries, but this year, it was a little tough to get out of the house for even a few hours, and since the state disability office was being ridiculous, money was kind of strange too. Mostly, I think we both felt... complete. We didn't need to buy each other extravagant gifts or go on an expensive vacation to show how much we love one another. Our wonderful son, and all of the challenges, adventures, and memories we've shared over the past month was more than enough.

Now that we are parents together, I definitely see Bobby in a new amazing way. He's not only the love of my life, but the father of my child, which is such a beautiful thing. It has been so special seeing him become a father, and I definitely feel incredibly lucky to have such a kind, loving, and patient husband. I couldn't handle this rollercoaster without him, that's for sure.

Breastfeeding

Now, this might not be a topic for all of you, but it is a huge part of my life right now, and I find that the more I talk about it, the more motivated I am to keep going.

First off, no one ever told me how much of a lifestyle and commitment breastfeeding would be. I'm not going to lie, there have been a few moments where I really considered giving up all together, but true to form, I am WAY too stubborn to do anything I don't want to do.

After Gunner was born, I discovered he wasn't very coordinated, and had such a hard time latching on, and when he did latch on, it wasn't right, and I was in a lot of pain. He was SO bad at the whole latching on thing, that I literally had scabs on my nipples and would silently cry every time I fed him, so I wouldn't scare him and discourage him from eating. He took a really long time to open his mouth the right way, and I think he sensed my frustration, because it got to a point where every time I pulled out the boppy pillow, he would start screaming.

So, after about a week of pure agony for both of us, I made the call to just pump and bottle feed. I originally had planned to hold off on pumping or bottles until he was a few weeks old, because of various literature I read that said it can affect your supply, and cause nipple confusion, so I was completely relieved when he took to it so well.

Poor little guy was probably hungry the entire time. He just wasn't coordinated or calm enough to get the hang of it. It really bummed me out that I couldn't bond with him through nursing, but it was a relief that I wasn't the only one who had to get up at night to feed him. On the other hand, having to pump every few hours was really limiting. I couldn't go anywhere for more than a few hours, and it seemed like every time I needed to go somewhere, my boobs had different plans. Plus, I think people found pumping way more awkward than just feeding my baby under a blanket.

After venting to one of the gals in my Baby & Me class about how I had offered my boob to Gunner a few times, and he had no idea what to do with it, the lactation consultant that teaches the class told me to try and take a bath with him, and for some reason, the water will create a re-birthing experience and he will know what to do. I sort of brushed the idea off, because I figured I'M SMART AND HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. Wrong. The very next day, I was giving him a bath like I always do, with him in the tub with me after I take my shower, and he looked at me, I looked at him, and we had this... moment. I knew it was the right time to try again, and it worked! I was so happy, that I almost cried. I called Bobby in to show him, and we were both really excited that our little guy had finally gotten the hint.

So the past few weeks, I've been nursing him most of the time, and pumping at night when he goes down for his 5 hour stretch. Things couldn't be going better, and I'm so happy that I have the resources to help me through tough times!

All I have to say, is that mothers who breastfeed for any length of time deserve a major high five. This crap isn't easy!

Baby Weight

I'll be the first person to admit that I'm not very proud of how much weight I gained during this pregnancy. I started at.... bigger than I would have liked to be, and ended up... MUCH bigger than I would have liked to be. 42 pounds all together. BLAH.

The first night after I had Gunner, I was really nervous that the weight was going to stick around forever, because after the chaos wore down, and I was finally able to take a shower, I weighed myself in the bathroom, and I had only lost 7 pounds. But... Gunner weighed 8.4. I blame it on all of the fluids they pumped me full of.

Luckily, I weighed myself 2 weeks later and I had lost 25 pounds. Sweet! Only 17 more to go. BLAH.

Even though 25 pounds seems like a huge number, I was still bigger than I have ever been in my life, and my body was not in very good condition. It literally felt like my muscles had separated and were lazy/dead/disintegrated. I tried doing a few sit ups, and although my brain knew what to do, my body just wasn't responding.

That was a few weeks ago, and in the mean time I've lost another 6 pounds, and joined a gym, which is great, but I'm still not where I would like to be. Eating healthy is really difficult with a newborn. I used to really enjoy making homecooked meals every night of the week, but most of the time I can barely get more than a half hour to myself, and usually I try to sit down and rest, rather than cook. Needless to say, our freezer if full of Trader Joe's easy meals, and our cupboards are full of snacks that probably aren't doing my waistline any justice.

I am trying to workout about 2-3 times per week, and just trying to do as much cardio as I can, in the hopes that the surrounding muscles will help my core get back into a place where I can start targeting them again. I know it is probably going to take me as long, if not longer, than 9 months to get back to where I was. It's going to be a long road, but I'm willing to do the work. I really missed the ritual of going to the gym while I was pregnant, and I am determined to not let life get the best of me!

Until I reach my goal, nothing but dresses to hide these baby rolls!